Now that we have been introduced to caring personally and challenging directly, we can talk about the four quadrants that occur when they intersect:
Ruinous Empathy:
“If you don’t have anything nice to say….”
My West Michigan friends will see themselves here a LOT. Ruinous empathy is when you care so much that you avoid challenging directly. This may seem like a great way to get people to like you, but the danger is that people won’t know how you really feel or where they stand. This looks like “good job” or “nice work.” Such praise is too vague to be meaningful, and people can tell when you’re phoning it in.
Manipulative Insincerity:
“Ugh - Sorry”
If you’re like me, nothing grinds more than a false apology. It’s worse than no apology at all. This approach lacks both care and directness, eroding trust quickly. Manipulative insincerity is about being nice to get what you want; it’s patronizing and hurtful. It looks like publicly praising someone to appear nice, but people see through that facade, and it doesn’t win anyone over.
Obnoxious Aggression:
“Your work is shit."
It’s direct but not caring. While it may get short-term results, it leaves a trail of broken relationships and people who are afraid of when you’ll lash out next.
Radical Candor:
The first step to giving radically candid feedback is…asking for it yourself!
When you ask, it’s important to accept whatever comes. If someone is brave enough to tell you the truth, don’t critique how they said it. Thank them for the feedback and let them see you are working to improve.
I ran a little test at my last place of employment. I created a feedback survey asking specific questions about how I made people feel. With one group, I sent examples of things I know I’m not good at (interrupting, spelling, being over-prepared in a way that doesn’t allow for flexibility, etc.).
Everyone gave me helpful feedback, but the group I had sent examples to provided real challenges. I loved it! By showing them, I already knew I wasn’t perfect, I gave them permission to think the same. I thanked each of them personally, told them how I planned to work on what they had pointed out, and asked them to keep giving me feedback.
I received better and better feedback from that group over the years—not just in surveys but in the moment. They knew I meant it when I asked and that I was willing to do the work. This opened the door for me to give them the same type of feedback. It was awesome!
Tips for Embracing Radical Candor:
The best advice I can give for moving into radical candor with your team, family, or friends is to be vulnerable and just do it! You’re not going to do it perfectly, so don’t let that hold you back. Show up as yourself, let people know you care (by actually caring), and try it. Don’t shy away from hard conversations; recognize and name your emotions and lean into discomfort. Take chances—it’s better to say the thing that needs to be said badly than not to say it at all. A lack of clarity breeds frustration and resentment, but vulnerability is where they go to die.
Quote to leave you with today:
“Treat the process of creativity with rare and wonderful reverence. While ideas ultimately can be so powerful, they begin as fragile, barely formed thoughts, so easily missed, so easily compromised, so easily squished.”
I have a sticker on my desk—a broken lightbulb—to remind me that although ideas are powerful enough to change the world, they start as something fragile. Sharing an idea is an act of radical bravery that should be praised and encouraged.
Look at honesty the same way. It’s brave, but that bravery is easily squashed if not honored. When people tell you the truth, say thank you. I promise, your relationships will get stronger, and you will open the door to giving the same radically candid feedback that you receive. Before you know it, both parties will start really talking, and that is where real growth happens.
All you have to do is start.